(Some)/(No)/ (Any)/ -thing

Woke up to still no Lucky.
Then thought there was also a missing brother. For over an gothe.
Remembered how many times I’ve been asked if I thought certain people were going to be okay and realized that the day they weren’t it would be my fault for eating otherwise, in the eyes of the people asking. So much pressure.
Left my phone in the bathroom by accident, where it was picked up by someone the next cubicle section over, so now the whole office knows, ha ha ha isn’t it funny how flaky I am today.
Got.four hours of sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking someone might do something to themselves and that it would also end up being my fault.
My computer isn’t playing any music, and I fell asleep sitting up at my desk twice already.
I’m so ready for this day to be over, time-crawling and broken up by constant trips to the hallway or the bathroom to find somewhere to cut myself off from nearly crying or hyperventilating.
People have been staring because I have to keep trusting in my seat when I suddenly feel overwhelmingly jittery.

Two more hours until I go home, and then go in early because I can’t stay late again because I’m the one who picks up Mom and yesterday no one did.

And this is why I got off tumblr, so y’all wouldn’t have to watch me rattle off about being trapped like this, but as it turns out this is the least guilt invoking place for me to do it.

So…I’ll just ramble and see what happens.

• Applying to an online MSW program, though I’m not sure that’s a thing I’ll want if I get it per se, but because of my AmeriCorps service they waive my fee so I can afford that uncertainty
• Lucky is missing.  I cannot explain how devastating this is to me except to describe it as that Lucky is like one of my children and it was someone else’s apathy that contributed to him being gone. He might still turn up.  We’ve searched (every morning and night), leave food out, have a shelter box because it’s been raining, don’t know what else there is to do but wait.  Last night I had a dream that I was a regeneration of the Doctor and dragging around and being dragged around by Nine and River on and off (I blame a fanfic I was reading) and was outright hysterical because I was using the TARDIS to try and find Lucky and they were not happy about it.
• I didn’t like The Name of the Doctor. That’s probably an unpopular opinion, at least on my dash.  But to me it had some great concepts but sometimes felt more like awkward fanfiction in itself, and reduced the female characters so very much to shadows of themselves, and I was a little broken up about it because I admit that the Doctor had been one of my few escapes I was clinging to lately, one of the few left, and so that’s not something I’ve got now.   I’ve joked (but not really joking) that I want to rewrite the pieces of the episode I didn’t like, because there WAS good stuff in it, and take it in another direction.  But Clara deserved better, I think. Don’t hate me.
• Being in this house is making me sorry I ever got my psych degree, which up until now was one of the things I was proudest about, and for the most part has systematically reduced me to feeling like everything I do or think or feel is wrong on some level, that I am not worth attention, and that if I am allowed to think or feel things there isn’t much of a point to voicing any of them.  And people want to express themselves emotionally and want me to respond or assess or help, but also mock and argue with me and override me when I need to express in kind.
• Producing and enjoying things that I was doing before — art, music, etc — is not going easily while that’s the case, especially since it means the progress I’d made in reclaiming my space pretty much ceased, but I’m going to try really hard to see a small already-thumbed little project to its completion if nothing else just to make something.
• Things have been weird, kind of…bad.  The space that I feel I can have in the world seems to be increasingly shrinking.  But I’m trying my hardest to push through it, or I’m sure I wouldn’t be back.  (I even tried to communicate with some professionals about it, but one couldn’t see me except during work, and the other specifies to contact them via email or internet but has never gotten back to me.)  I’m trying to connect with people on levels that feel less disappointing and superficial (if you’re reading this then you don’t have to worry about that at all, trust me, I appreciate you immensely) and decide whether my needs are unrealistic or perfectly okay and my situation is just fucked up.
• Fei has been lovingly coddling, especially since I found sweater-mouse in a bag in the car.
• Star Trek has been really good escapism therapy.  And as much as I know the new movie can be picked apart I still enjoyed it a lot.  And Cumberbatch can talk to me in that lower register any day, he is now officially on my list, congratulations sir.
• There is a photoshoot set on the way as Devo got the camera and he and Kate and I went to the High Line and I played dapper.

because good lord I knew this weekend was going to be hell of all hells but I didn’t think it would be from more than the usual source.

farroverrthemistymountains:

keepingkatiehealthy:

anchorsamour:

mybodypeaceofmind:

symphonyofawesomeness:

All these lovely ladies weigh 154lbs. We all carry weight differently, don’t live your life by an outdated chart. Find a number that looks and feels good.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK. WEIGHT COMES IN DIFFERENT SHAPES AND SIZES.

THIS ^ OH MY GOD the amount of times i’ve tried to get through to people about this!!! LEARN IT FOR CHRIST SAKE.

This is the perfect visual.

this is perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I stepped on the scale yesterday and had a fit; the doctor and the BMI chart says I’m not at my healthiest unless I’m around 130 lbs.  I’ve been there once in my adult life and was told that I looked like I was “starved.”

This makes me feel so much better.  So.  Much.  Better.

(via bunnika)

froborr:

watchtheskytonight:

tamarma:

bunnika:

I seriously just had to teach my mother some basics of parenting.

Both photos are of my daughter in October, the first in 2011, the second in 2012.  I let her pick out her own clothes, shoes, haircuts, hair colors, anything superficial, really.  She’s too young to understand the permanence of piercings, so she doesn’t have any.  But hair grows, shoes get grown out of, clothes go threadbare.  These things don’t really matter—shouldn’t really matter—but anyone raising a gender-variant child knows the world isn’t that kind.

My daughter recently requested a haircut like mine.  A long flop on top, pixie-length fade on the back and sides.  She’s been bugging me for weeks to color her hair again, I just haven’t had the time.  But today she came to me with the same shyness she keeps developing when outside our home; she’s being pressured by peers and family to look “normal,” to grow her hair long and uncolored, to dress a certain way (she hates to match), to indulge in self-consciousness, and alter or not alter her appearance to gain the approval of others, and society at large.

THIS FUCKING INFURIATES ME.

I called my mother tonight, because my daughter had become shy again, and didn’t want to color her hair anymore, and she said it was because of what her Nana had said to her.  My mother told me we should get that spray-on Halloween hair colors, so it wouldn’t be so “permanent” and my daughter could be “normal” again to avoid being bullied.

IT IS NOT THE JOB OF THE VICTIM TO STOP BEING BULLIED.  IT IS THE BULLY’S JOB TO STOP BULLYING.

I know she gets teased sometimes, and we always talk about it.  She stays strong and confident, so long as she has the support of those around her.  But what that support falters, or pulls a 180, she’s left to crash.

She also gets teased for liking dinosaurs and not dolls.  She gets teased for preferring roughhousing to playing house.  She gets teased for liking Lightning McQueen and not Cinderella.  Where do we draw the line?

My mother thinks this is a “minor” thing, that it’s better to just blend in.  But it would plant the seed of doubt, it forms the foundation for queer kids staying in the closet, for disabled kids to feel worthless, for young girls accepting abusive partners.  This is not “minor,” it is fucking MAJOR, because this is my daughter’s foundation, and it will shape her life.

Support your fucking kids.  Let them be who they want to be, look how they want to look, and play how they want to play.  And make sure they know that you will love them no matter what.

Will always beblog this.

This girl has a hundred thousand people behind her

Parenting: You’re doing it right.

(via inevitablove)

dduane:

aroundthesunlikeateddybear:

My little sister is having a little trouble with a person at her school because she likes reading and this person deems it ‘not cool’.

I want to prove to her that there are lots of people who love reading and think it is very much cool :D

A little reblog would be amazing! Thank you!

Unquestionably one of the coolest things on Earth, if not the coolest.

Reading is a more reliable means of transportation than foot, car, plane, train, or time machine.  It’s like having your own handheld portal to ANYWHERE and ANYTHING.  What could be cooler than THAT?

(via ussrosalind)

kquizzo:

allisonunsupervised:

Awesome Couple At Gas Station Make Dumb ‘Leno’ Skit The Best Thing To Ever Happen On ‘Leno’

My new favorite people. If that doesn’t make your morning, you must be having a really good morning. 

This is amazing.

(Dad, I’m looking at you….)

Well this was MY smile for the weekend.  These folks are so chill about it, you have to wonder if they’re used to being spoken to by the television or something.  Doesn’t even PHASE them.

(via sweep)

adriofthedead:

beahbeah:

confuzzeldmind:

WHOEVER BUYS THIS FOR ME WINS MY ETERNAL LOVE

I OWN THIS

EVERY MORNING HE SAYS SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT HOW THE WORLD NEEDS YOU AND YOU HAVE TO GET UP

AND WHEN YOU PRESS THE BUTTON TO HUSH HIM HE SAYS “DEFTLY DONE, MADAM,” OR “IF IT’S NOT TOO FORWARD OF ME, THAT DID TICKLE, MADAM”

IT WAKES YOU UP WITH THE SOUND OF CHIRPING BIRDS BEFORE STEPHEN FRY’S VOICE

EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE ONE

WHAT

Oh. My. God.

(Source: thinkgeek.com, via tiptoelightlypastmymind)

do you ever just wanna kinda pack up and leave out of the blue without saying anything to anyone like just leave and start a new life thousands of miles away because i think i would love to do that wow

Today at work on my break I was looking at teaching and youthworker positions with Palestinian youth and thinking, “I can set up x amount of what I’ve made thus far for credit card payments for x number of months and the application would take x time and I could just quit.”

(Source: rodneykong, via tiptoelightlypastmymind)

The Manila BBQ Stop on the main road apparently closed while I was in MA, and after giving Kristina suggestions for a grocery run of her own I was craving barquillos like mad.  It had to be done.

So this other place is only twenty minutes or so away.  When I was clearly overjoyed at the register, the woman asked me with initial raised eyebrows how I knew the food, and then about my heritage, and not only did she not laugh at me but she offered me a takeout menu and said she’ll be happy to see me there again.

And why was I overjoyed?

Well I went in with a very small budget in mind. (read: I was only going to use the $12 cash in my pocket.  I was not going to use my debit card.)

Then I found sapin sapin and babingka galapong (oh my gosh the babingka galapong) and it went downhill from there. 
Dammit, I only went in for barquillos and lumpia, I swear it…

But it MIGHT be a place I can convince the family to do takeout from — since they really like takeout and are getting tired of the usual choices — once in a blue moon.